Just relax, man

I’ve heard multiple teachers talk about relaxing into your experience - Esther Hicks, Neville Goddard, Michael Singer, and most convincingly, Pema Chödrön. These teachers all agree that any disturbance in your mind or experience is an opportunity to practice letting go of resistance, releasing clinging and the illusion of separation. I’ve been experimenting with this practice. It helps that I’ve done a lot of work [imagine a montage sequence here] with yoga and meditation, journaling, tarot, astrology, and rituals - the channels that connect me with my deeper Truth. I’m in the middle of some major transitions (relationship, home, and job all at once) right now and I want to fully experience this, so that the choices I make really fit with what I want rather than coming from resistance or fear. Big changes dredge up all of the muck that remains from my waterlogged days in the past, so there’s lots of material to practice with. Mornings I’ve woken up with my stomach clenching and racing thoughts about scarcity and survival. Afternoons when my body feels like it’s buzzing with all the energy it wants to expel. 

My feelings are not a problem to fix, they are a response to thoughts which are most often formed from past experiences. Seeing the constant flow of thoughts and assumptions that happen in the mind is the first step. I’ve started saying outloud, “Past,” and “Future” (labeling) when I notice my thoughts starting to circle, and a new label that’s been helpful, “Not Mine”. A “next right thing” approach has also helped me out. And “right” is not a pejorative, in my usage, it just means a thing that could help my body feel better, a care or maintenance task, or something that sounds fun and lights me up a little. So there’s been lots of relaxing with narrative drama - books, tv, movies. I’ve rewatched Sterling Point now multiple times and it’s so soothing to my inner teen. I notice the memories that come up, I can observe the resistance as it happens, and choose to offer the care of my inner loving parent to those parts of myself - just a few moments of awareness and presence and compassion make a difference.

So today, for example, I got up when I woke up and started my morning ritual - latte, morning page, energy clearing and protection with affirmations, and my tarot for the day - that all is a routine for me [after ladder stacking habits over time to get it there, I made a 13 week Find your Self Guide and planner if you want to try it out for yourself]. Then the Saturday stretched out before me, entirely up to me; I chose to bake a loaf of sourdough, turn on music and do laundry and clean, pack up some fancier clothes I won’t need at my next destination, went on a smell walk in the field nearby with Ed(my dog), hung clothes on the laundry line in the sun, biked into town and got a library card, then went to a movie. My entire goal is to enjoy what I am doing while I am doing it. To enjoy being with myself in the moments and experiences as they happen.

It’s a shift to have the right thing be whatever I want to do. Growing up, I was trapped in worlds where my wants were sinful, selfish, suppressed. And even as my worldview shifted what remained was the relationship rule: everyone else’s needs and wants were more important than mine. But I am meant to feel desire, let it guide me, and feel satisfied. And my body is the site of desire, not my mind. That is why practices that use the body as a focus for the mind are so helpful for me, and many others. So many skeptical clients leaving a Kaiut yoga class I’ve taught saying, “I didn’t think I would feel better but I do!” I’m feeding my mind too, reading like it's the first time, “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and new to me, On Becoming an Alchemist: A Guide for the Modern Magician by Catherine MacCoun. I started the summer with The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer and The Land and Its People by David Sedaris to help me notice and see the interesting things around me at any given moment. Countless fiction books on Kindle and Libby have been summer friends at a party for me. 

I sometimes ask myself what the person who has the life I want would do, and when the answer resonates through me I know it’s for me. Like waking up at dawn the day of an eclipse and driving out to hike down to a remote, rocky beach and dive in the water and float, a physical experience of jumping into the flow of life and surrendering to it. It felt special and just right - resonant. Driving back with the windows down and the briny taste of salt lingering on my lips, I know I’m living in a way I’ve dreamed of for my whole life, even if I don’t have a plan.

“You are not broken. You are not behind. You are not too late”  - Neville Goddard